My Love

“If I have a monument in this world, it is my son.” — Maya Angelou

Have you Ever....

Have you ever woken up to someone whispering at you..pssss...sssssspppp..pssshhhh?

no?

Then you must not be a mama.

Has anyone besides a dentist ever stuck their fingers in your mouth to explore your teeth?

no?

Then you must not be a mama.

Has anyone ever pooped YOUR pants?

no?

Then you must not be a mama.

Has anyone ever thrown up squash on your very expensive mattress?

no?

Then you must not be a mama.

Has anyone ever sneezed green beans all over your best black pants?

no?

Then you must not be a mama.

Has anyone ever wet you, AND Your bed?

no?

Then you must not be a mama.

Has anyone ever taken your heart, and carried it around in their tiny soul?

Yes?

Then you must be a mama.

Dedicated to my precious Blake Rowan, my sidekick, my comic relief, my greatest blessing.

To my mom who tried to explain to me how motherhood felt. NOW, I get it.

I have to be honest.....

....So I have to be honest, I have been a slacker blogger. Partially because of time constraints, but mostly because of vanity. Yes, you see, people keep telling me that they enjoy my blog, and it's funny. I appreciate that so much, it means so much to me. Butttttttt....what happens when it isn't funny. What if you click open my blog to read it and there is no funny. You don't even crack a smile through the whole post. Then what? Then you have wasted your time and think I am lame to boot. That is a LOT of pressure people. Ack.

Where do I start. Blake's new friend Josie came to play on Friday so that Josie's Mom could get some shopping done. I always thought I was a relatively good multitakser..I learned that is a blatant lie. Probably from the devil. Thats where all lies come from. So I learned that I really suck at it. I had just grocery shopped, and Josie had just arrived. I figured I would put away groceries while she and Blake started to play, and then I would join them. This was workin until the dog got all up in her grill. No Roxy, not everyone wants to go to second base with you, thanks anyways. So i shoo-ed the dog outside. Then Steve came home for lunch, he knew better than to ask me for a sandwich, and started putting away all of the groceries. Thank goodness! In the mean time, Blake spots Josies potty seat and starts high tailing it across the room away from his land of clean and sterile toys.. to the potty seat. His mouth is open as if he has just spotted the most succulent fruit. Is this sort of how Eve and the apple went down? Thankfully I swooped in and got him before he started taste testing. Poor Josie wasn't too impressed with our toy collection. Luckily her mama is smart and packed her a bunch of toys. She started to put together princess puzzle squares, and Blake thought he would help by sucking and chewing on princess Jasmine. Josie looked throughly disgusted as she wiped it off. Poor kid, I don't think she will ever want to come back after what happened next. We got all ready to go to the park, and walked over. I steered Josie toward the little kiddie playground, but some kind of law states that kids want danger, so she wanted to go on the towering big kid playground. I followed her around and she hopped up the steps, and through the tunnels and I couldn't believe how coordinated a two year old is! I probably would have fallen off and broke my head open. We skipped home and Josie laughed as if watching a 23 year old lady skip was about the funniest ever. When we arrived home I entered the living room first and saw two empty snack containers. Lids off. Lids chewed. No snacks. I sunk to the floor , threw my hands up and said "WHY GOD?". Haha. Just kidding, I ran over and started shooing the dog out and trying to figure out a way to say "Well, Josie the dog ate your chocolate chip cookies and goldfish".. and make it sound like christmas morning. She followed me in and I said "Oh Josie, the dog was very naughty, I am sorry she ate your snacks. We will get you new snacks". She looked heartbroken ..she reached down her little hand and picked up the empty plastic cup and looked at me with wide eyes and said "Cookie?" She looked so perplexed. I finally convinced her that the dog ate them, when she changed the subject to pee pee. OH! I had forgotten to take her to the bathroom. Blake was asleep by this point and I Had to put him in his crib. Ok! Come with me, I told her. I put him down gently as she said "pee pee", I looked at her, ready to respond when I realized what she meant was "hey dimwit, you didn't take me to the bathroom when I asked the first time." Yep, too late. What I learned: When a two year old tells you "pee pee" what they mean is "PEE PEE NOW, IF YOU DON'T TAKE ME NOW--My TINY BLADDER WILL EXPLODE. LITERALLY!"

She was a good sport though, she didn't get mad. We changed her clothes, minus pants, because apparently kids hate pants. And thankfully the rest was calm. Poor kid, lost her cookies, and got all soggy. Blake had fun though, Josie is his first real friend, he smiles at her and follows her around. And she calls him buddy. I love it! His first nickname from a friend!

bebe

baby carrots

Breast Fest '09

Oh Lordy! Where do I even begin. Well... today I decided to take Blake to story time at the library. We ran into a new MOPS friend, and I was delighted. One Mom said "I really come more for the social interaction for myself than my daughter....". A woman after my own heart. Don't tell anyone that my main motivation is not the awesome songs and the three second story. The mere exchange of words other than "ahhhh..blaaaaa...mmmm..." is enough to just keep my mind going all day. So, we started out and Blake got a little fussy, then he started pulling angrily on my shirt...uh oh..plan b. I pull out the pacifier, and he promptly falls asleep. Great so here I sit in a circle of moms and babies, all AWAKE and I am stuck singing "When cow's get up in the morning, they always say good day. Mooo mooo mooo moo that is what they say, they say". I don't even have a baby to sing to. He is out! cold. Soooo.. around 10:30 he decides to wake up. I figure we might as well stay for 10:30 storytime and thus increase our odds of making new friends. (oh and stimulate Blake's brain as well). Round two went somewhat better. We were busy singing the grand ol' duke of York, when I suddenly saw a breast. Yes, a breast. A lady was breastfeeding with no cover. Phew, I looked away. I can do this . "i can so do this" i told myself. I am a hip and progressive mama. (oh who am i kidding, i was horrified, im more straight laced than Billy Graham) (well, usually..) Anyways, I looked again to make sure i wasn't going nuts and there she is, singing along with her breast out. Totally weird. So we keep singing, Blake liked to add his own sad and angry opera.. he wanted to go play. I look around again to see if my baby is the only one that hates these songs, and now lady #2 has pulled her shirt up and her year old is nursing. Let me mention these kids were OVER a year old, not like it was some milk emergency. I mean, what happened to bringing goldfish on your outings? Now its like "baby.. check. diapers...check...braless...check..boobs..check. " Ok lets go! Umm,.. get some cheerios please!! So then I turn to the lady next to me to say goodbye..her son was 9 months, the closest baby to Blake's age. And what is she doing??? NURSING! with a blanket? No, of course not. This is breastfest 2009, and I didn't even realize I was invited. So we left in a hurry, and I made a point of saying ..."WANT TO GO HOME FOR LUNCH???" very loudly to Blake. Although I am sure no one could hear me over the sound of all the babies slurping.

Can't wait til next week.

Mama and Blake hit the library

I love this guy. What better way to spend an afternoon!

The Ugly Baby Contest

Today we went to an event called the "Beautiful Baby Contest", but I refuse to call it that and will henceforth be referring to it as the "Ugly Baby Contest". I know that isn't nice. I know. But nobody said becoming a mother makes you nice. It makes you protective, and patient, and your heart grows a million times bigger... but nobody promised nice. I entered Blake in the contest held at the NEX. (The navy exchange for you civilians!) There was also a crawling derby. I wasn't going to put my eggs in that basket. (haha my eggs already have a basket..haha... ok never mind). We were preparing to leave the house, daddy had dressed Blake in his button down shirt and corduroys. He looked so handsome. He had a bath and his hair brushed and was patiently waiting in his jumper toy. As I loaded the diaper bag, he began to cry. Then he grunted. Then his face got red, and he cried more. Uh oh..you know where this is going. Down the toilet. I scooped him, changed him in record time, and off to the contest we went. Crisis averted.

When we arrived at the store, a table of late teens/young twenty something girls was at a table for the judges. They seemed nice, and didn't look particularly dumb. Looks can be deceiving. I signed in Blake and we decided to let him have his chance at the crawling derby. He is a champion scooter, and very motivated by the dog food and water dish. He races to them, at least 56 times a day. I started to eye up the competition. These kids all had weird names. That was the first thing I noticed. I observed a Kapri, Quinn,Tyrek(?),Raya, some other kid whose name was so jumbled I don't even remember. We will call her Rosalie because it was some form of rosa-something. I could see right away that Blake was CLEARLY the cutest. And if any of you know him one bit, he is also the most charismatic guy around. He loves the ladies, and the judges were all ladies. So where could we go wrong? Right?

Wrong. First off, the "emcee" (read large loud mouth lady) had us go first. I got to the judges and said "this is Blake, he loves girls.."THANKYOU BLAKE" came the booming voice. I quickly added "and crawling to the dog dishes". I tried to get him to smile, but he was very serious. He had his game face on, and was not to be distracted by tickling or plastic keys. We waited for the other babies, who all got way more time to get their smiles out.. (do you sense my bitterness?).

We eagerly awaited the results. I heard talk of a tie.. they started with the fourth runner up. No Blake.. Third runner up No Blake. etc. etc. Grand prize.. I was pumped, I was all smiles. I was beaming with pride.... "KAPRI". Um excuse me? Like the pants...? Like can someone come to the pants department with ? I was shocked. I got myself together though, because it was time for the crawling derby. We still had a chance to shine. I put Blake down, Daddy had his back, and I sat at the finish line. Daddy crawled behind him, I coaxed him on with plastic keys. First he laid on his belly and looked around. Then he started to scoot. Then stupid baby Quinn fell over and started to cry, which distracted him. He looked very concerned for her/him (gender neutral baby). On the end was baby Rosa-whatever. She had to be at least one. She was a cutie with black pigtails. And she howled. Oh did she ever... She cried for her Mama...who sat at the finish line and would not budge to pick her up! I could not believe it. She coaxed her with snacks and a bottle. The little girl rocked on her knees and cried. Meanwhile Blake was scooting away. After being ignored by her parents .. poor little Rosa-whatever crawled to them, crying her eyes out the whole time. Sick, people. Seriously? You are going to torture your kid to win a gift basket full of avent bottles? ridiculous. Anyhow, I wanted Blake to crawl as far as he wanted to Steve and I cheered him on. He pushed his little legs and threw out his arm and slapped the red finish line in a wonderful victory. He didn't win the avent bottles, but he won our hearts as he does every single day. I knew what it felt to be a proud mama.. I could tell Steve was proud too... to see our little guy do his best, and enjoy himself doing it. Heck he even won a consolation prize of squirty plastic bath toys!

What a blessing he is. The other night as I got up for the umpteenth time to soothe him back to sleep I thought, "My life is ruled by a man who has been on this planet 1/46th the time that I have. " I wouldn't have it any other way.

Fowl Language!

So we have a new resident on Larch Drive. His name is... well I can't tell you what his name is. It's too dirty. There is a bird that is insistent on living atop our porch light. Anyone who is anyone knows how i feel about birds. I hate birds. I ABHOR birds. They make me cringe and want to cry all at the same time. The worst punishment I could have is going on the birdwalk at the zoo. So I though that if we named the bird, it would be less alarming and intimidating. Hence, the name. Unfortunately the name is far too inappropriate to write here. If you really want to know, ask me. In person, or via text. So, one night we came home to find... the bird. His alias will be Archie. Archie was on the porch light, pooping all over, and I told steve he better get em! So my valiant husband grabbed the first thing he saw --the toilet brush (remember we are moving, everything is in chaos). He swung at Archie, and tried to scare him. No luck, this is no ordinary bird. Finally-he almost had to smack him before he flew away. We had a few more of these incidents. Thankfully Steve was always home, otherwise I would have had to be housebound. The other night, Archie came back with his girlfriend. Bringin her home to meet the folks I guess...
So I sent Steve out.. armed with the toilet brush of course. He chased them around the carport and they finally landed on a beam, refusing to leave. I held Blake close to me, and ran for my life as fast as I could into the house. All the while saying "BLAKEY I wont let that bird get you!!!!!".
The next time, Archie was mad about the toilet brush. He is very edgy, and when Steve came a-chasin, he fought back. He started divebombing him, and nearly flew into his head, before exiting scene. If anyone knows a bird cowboy. Please call me at 1-800-Archieneedstogo!

Time for an update

I have been the worst blogger ever lately. I cannot even remember the last time I blogged. Oh well, lots of catch up. We moved into a new house. Totally awesome right? Yes, moving with a five month old is a blast. I recommend everyone do it. If possible, make sure you only attempt packing while he is teething hardcore. Provides motivational music! This mama has signed up for yoga in an attempt to stay flexible. (ok get flexible) and stay calm. I am thinking there is something to this "take care of yourself..." stuff. Not that I am not calm.. oh no.. moving a household, being a first time mom, and living 3,000 miles from home all makes for one calm girl. Hah! Ohhh, I have really become a domestic diva. I cannot tell you the joy I am deriving from my new frigidaire washer and dryer. They are front loading, digital screen, eight million settings, and best of all... they make my clothes smell w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l- I am seriously like a laundry junkie now. I wash as many loads a day as I can, depending on how much dirty stuff I can rustle up. Then when the timer beeps at the end of the dryer cycle I race to the laundry room and throw open the dryer door and smell the amazing fresh scent. You people with top loaders have no idea what you are missing. Also in household news, I got a swiffer mop and a swiffer sweeper. If you are aspiring to be a domestic diva like me, you HAVE to get these. I enjoy dirt on my floors. I chase it around with my swiffer, capturing each rouge little dog hair. Then I swiffer wet mop it away with the lovely grape-ish scented liquid. Which I am sure is composed of 58 chemicals that have been suspected of causing cancer in the state of california. se la vie. In mommy news, Blake has been introduced to solids!! Well introduced to mush would be a more accurate description. We had been gearing up for introducing baby food for a few weeks when we decided to wander down the baby aisle at the commissary one evening. Steve got excited about all the bananas, and we decided to give Blake his first bites. As Steve pa-roused the flavors, I got a little choked up thinking of my baby getting big. Then I thought "hmm.. he doesn't need me as much now". Well that did it, the floodgates opened, and lets just say, Steve shuffled me outta there before I drowned the other mothers in the tears of a first time mama. My darling husband said "can i feed him? " "Sure"... then he went on.. "but you can give him his first bite". How sweet is that!! He knew what a big deal it was to me. Anyways, i decided to be camera woman, and daddy did the banana honors. Blake was quite perplexed but took to the spoon right away. He is such a perfectly good boy. He did great. Next up was squash. He was not too keen on that, which is a tragedy, because I ate butternut squash for lunch the other day (yes ..just squash). He was a trooper though, and kept on. Along with introducing solids came.. well..lets just say it was time to introduce prunes. He LOVES prunes. Definitely his favorite! What did I learn from all this.....a diaper of three days worth of prunes for dinner is NOT for the faint of heart! So onto the next intro..Peaches! Yum!
Coming up, we have school starting for Steve and I. Blake and I are going to Mops on Thursdays, and doing bible study mondays. Its a busy fall... and Steve and I are trying to fit in ballroom dance lessons too!! Stay tuned for photos. Dancing with the stars here I come. You can call me Ginger. Its my catholic name. Hahahahaha....

How I found Jesus in a failed Lemon Meringue Pie

I am telling the truth when I say that God speaks to me in very mysterious ways. For instance... I have been thinking about the church pie contest for weeks. I have been brainstorming the perfect pie. I finally decided on Lemon Meringue. Everyone says how hard it is to get the meringue to set right and ya da ya da ya da... I decided that I am an intelligent woman and if I can birth a baby I can make a darned pie. So I used the recipe on the cornstarch box and also googled
"lemon meringue pie tips" and "foolproof meringue" I called my aunt for tried and true advice as well. I was armed with beaters and enough lemons to beat the band. I made my crust, and filled it with the filling. I zested lemons so hard that I grated my hand. (Very gross). My lovely assistant Steve watched Blake all afternoon so that I could make this pie. Now for the glorious meringue, I whipped those egg whites in the cleanest bowl you ever saw! They made beautifully stiff peaks and I spread it over the hot topping, sealing the pie as I had been so carefully instructed by my aunt the pie guru! I put the beautiful pie in the oven, the meringue was not really high but good enough I thought. I took it out, and it was beautiful. I let the pie cool and when I returned to it, it had pulled away from the crust and filling. Now don't get me started on the filling, it looked like someone had just peed under my meringue, that is how watery it was. The meringue also had little brownish droplets on it. "Weeping" according to the internet. I was so sure this pie was the path to my success, but alas, I would need another test one.
I decided that I was just too lame to make this pie. I gave up
I traded it in for Chocolate Coconut Pecan and to increase my chances of winning, I also made a Creamsicle pie. (After losing the woman's christmas dinner and chilli contest by a thin margin, i decided i needed to step it up!)
The day started off hectic because Blake and I fell asleep at noon and didn't wake up until 2!! I ran to the store and raided the baking aisle and ran home as fast as I could. Blake was happily playing as I began to melt the butter and choclate for my pie. I read the next step "add eggs...."
WHOA WHOA WHOA ..HOLD the phone! I don't have eggs. I thought "ok I will just ask the neighbors". Well, if you have read any previous posts, you know that is quite a risk. I might interrupt a romantic afternoon, or worse yet, get roped into helping someone spank their kid. I decided that was out of the question. SO I loaded Blake back up in the carseat... (at this point 2 1/2 hours til showtime!) .. I ran to safeway, getting stuck behind every slow person. I passed a case of chicken, showcasing "$5 chicken friday!!! Cold chicken tenders for $5" . Yea, because everyone wants to pay $5 freakin dollars for cold chicken! I plowed on, through my disgust, got my eggs and the sugar that I was also out of and ran through the check out. The cashier admired Blake and said "boy isn't it hard going out with them.. loading up the baby and all their gear"....Hah, you have no idea lady. I regaled her with the story about how I just CAME from the store. As I went back to my car, I loaded the groceries in, while Blake stayed in the cart on the sidewalk (I got a great parking spot thankyou Jesus!) (Because NOTHING irritates me more than giant SUVS parking in the compact spots ). So I went back to get Blake and nearly tripped over this ugly creepy little black bird. So then we had a standoff. Anybody who is anybody in my world knows that i abhor birds. Quite frankly, they gross me out. So I just kept walking toward it, and it would not move, it just kept hopping. So i ran past it, grabbed my baby, and got the heck outta there. Long story short (ok shorter!) I took my pie to church. Pies that is. Set them next to a BEAUTIFUL Lemon meringue. The tallest fluffiest you ever saw. I listened to all the old guys talk about how that was the best one, and their favorite. I pretty much gave up the ghost of winning, and then.....tada... 3rd place! Out of 18! I was so excited ... and guess what ? The lemon didn't even win. God knew that I really wanted to do well, but I just followed my own heart and will. When my path swerved, I gave up on succeeding. I listenned to the "world" (the old men who love the lemon meringue) and I lost confidence in what I had done. Ok I know this sounds INCREDIBLEY CHEESY! But can you see the parallel? So often we take our own paths to success in life . Or take paths to what we think will get us the gold. Instead we end up disappointed. If we seek out God first, it is there we find success. Moral of the story:
Ask God to show his plans to you
and for goodness sake check your darn grocery list before you leave the store!

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

All Quiet on the Western Front. (Hahaha Got ya!)

It is never ever quiet on this western front. What were you thinking?? The latest adventure in our wild lives is... We are moving. We are all beyond excited. Blake can't even sleep at night because of the sheer thought. Roxy has no idea what we have in store for her. We are moving into base housing away from the bizarre neighbors, the skateboard gang that lives in our complex, and best of all the birds that poop all over my car and live in my eaves. Really what are eaves anyways?

Moving on, we are moving into a three bedroom ranch house with a fenced in back yard and two full bathrooms. We also have a dishwasher.. and that is not even the best part... wait for it... here it comes... We have a laundry room! Wooooo! I am beyond excited. I am just dreaming in visions of Clorox and Tide. I will have stain removal pens in all colors, I will have shelves upon shelves of various fabric softeners, and the best part is I will not have a single quarter anywhere in my house. Why? you ask? Because, my machines are not coin operated!! Now, if only I can convince my husband that the fabric softener does not make his clothes "too soft". That is a direct quote.

Escaping the neighbors will be an added bonus. We really are surrounded by nice people..but things get strange. Like the day Steve woke me up to tell me that the neighbor wanted to borrow my car. Um.....? I have spoken to said neighbor MAYBE three times. Possibly a few more "hellos". "Yea", he continued, "I told her I would send you over". I thought he must be mistaken, but when I showed up on her doorstep...cautiously as her ferocious dog wagged his tail warily and looked ready to pounce... She exclaimed " I think your husband misunderstood" " I wanted to borrow your car, because my daughter is asleep and I need dog food." Hm. Really? Your daughter is 3, is she just going to stay here? I hesitated, my car is very new, but besides that, I love my pretty shiny red car and I had terribly visions of it being totaled. "I have a license, I can show you...." she continued. I told her that I was sorry that my insurance only covered my hubby and I. She seemed disappointed. Huh, I guess I would be too if a random person didn't want to GIVE me their car. We went out later, where she continued to tell me how much her three year old daughter "pissed her off" and how she got three bare-bottom spankings, and time out for hiding her mom's glasses under the couch. This of course was after she had to clean her room. This is the same little girl who climbs up on toys, opens her second story window and looks at me while I clean up dog poo. She never says much, throws occasional toys out at me, sticks her tounge out at me...etc. One day I heard a little voice "The doggie is going poo poo again". Thank you. I love nothing more than cleaning up poop with an interactive audience.
Then there is the couple with the purple mustang. They are very nice and all, but I was walking down the back stretch of yard the other day, chasing the pooping dog with a bag and shovel in hand. I was decked out in my best pj's with a topknot on my head, and I see a smiling face waving at me thru the glass. As fast as it appeared it disappeared. But not before I realized, and he realized that he was in nothing but a bathrobe and his whitey tighties!
Ahhhhh, new neighbors...how i cannot wait to meet you.

I am starting my own home based business

I am thinking that whoever started the catch phrase "home based business" really had a great idea. Someone sits in an airconditioned office overlooking the beach in Miami while a bunch of housewives across the midwest sell candles, cookwear and clothing to fund the lifestyles of some guru that needed to get away from corperate america. I have been stalked by home based business consultants, caught up in the glamour and convinced myself I NEEDED ten color coded tupperware vegetable bowls that collapse, freeze, and wash themselves. Now, there are many great consultants out there, and to them I am truly grateful, it is the "others " that make a bad name.
So based on some recent experiences I am going to create my own. Here is how it goes.
Lets say we are going to sell rocks.
Ok, now you know that you need to sell rocks. These are not pebbles, these are classy, beautiful home decor items. You could not find rocks like this on the beach. No. These rocks are imported from..hmmm.. lets say.. Lithuania. That sounds good.
So in order to sell these Lithuanian rocks, you need to buy a start up kit. That has all the essentials. There are five decorative rocks. A paperweight. (It has felt glued on the bottom--uh you SO can not find THIS on any beach)..not just any felt.. felt made from gentle fibers of organically fed alpacas. It also includes a ultra super duper rock polishing cloth, rock luster spray, and of course a sleek, sturdy carrying bag.
In order to get your starter kit, you only need to put $200 down. This is a steal, because it is a $500 value.
Amazing.
Wow, so now you need to have a party, but that is overdone, So lets call it something catchier. How about a retreat. A rock retreat, where you and your best gal pals can come and get Zen and Karma and unwind. After all, rocks have magic nature powers. (Aha, see , you are becoming intrigued!)
All you have to do is hold them, all shined up with their luster spray, and they will change your life. You can feel the tranquility pulsing through your veins.
If you have a party totaling sales of $1,000 or more, you earn 25% comission
A party totaling sales of $10,000, you make 50% commission. OF COURSE, the average party is $10,000.
The product sells itself. Really.
Any takers?


**Disclaimer, I know some great girls who run home based businesses. This is for the Jehovah Witness style sellers who drive me crazy. As a matter of fact I know a great candle consultant that gave me a tea light that just burned for FOUR HOURS!

****Disclaimer 2,
I have nothing against Jehovah's witnesses other than the fact that they are not going to heaven. I am however very nice to them, and do not endorse the wearing of the "Jehovah's Witness Protection" T shirt that my husband owns. I wish they would stop giving me abortion pamphlets though, I OBVIOUSLY didn't have one!