How I found Jesus in a failed Lemon Meringue Pie

I am telling the truth when I say that God speaks to me in very mysterious ways. For instance... I have been thinking about the church pie contest for weeks. I have been brainstorming the perfect pie. I finally decided on Lemon Meringue. Everyone says how hard it is to get the meringue to set right and ya da ya da ya da... I decided that I am an intelligent woman and if I can birth a baby I can make a darned pie. So I used the recipe on the cornstarch box and also googled
"lemon meringue pie tips" and "foolproof meringue" I called my aunt for tried and true advice as well. I was armed with beaters and enough lemons to beat the band. I made my crust, and filled it with the filling. I zested lemons so hard that I grated my hand. (Very gross). My lovely assistant Steve watched Blake all afternoon so that I could make this pie. Now for the glorious meringue, I whipped those egg whites in the cleanest bowl you ever saw! They made beautifully stiff peaks and I spread it over the hot topping, sealing the pie as I had been so carefully instructed by my aunt the pie guru! I put the beautiful pie in the oven, the meringue was not really high but good enough I thought. I took it out, and it was beautiful. I let the pie cool and when I returned to it, it had pulled away from the crust and filling. Now don't get me started on the filling, it looked like someone had just peed under my meringue, that is how watery it was. The meringue also had little brownish droplets on it. "Weeping" according to the internet. I was so sure this pie was the path to my success, but alas, I would need another test one.
I decided that I was just too lame to make this pie. I gave up
I traded it in for Chocolate Coconut Pecan and to increase my chances of winning, I also made a Creamsicle pie. (After losing the woman's christmas dinner and chilli contest by a thin margin, i decided i needed to step it up!)
The day started off hectic because Blake and I fell asleep at noon and didn't wake up until 2!! I ran to the store and raided the baking aisle and ran home as fast as I could. Blake was happily playing as I began to melt the butter and choclate for my pie. I read the next step "add eggs...."
WHOA WHOA WHOA ..HOLD the phone! I don't have eggs. I thought "ok I will just ask the neighbors". Well, if you have read any previous posts, you know that is quite a risk. I might interrupt a romantic afternoon, or worse yet, get roped into helping someone spank their kid. I decided that was out of the question. SO I loaded Blake back up in the carseat... (at this point 2 1/2 hours til showtime!) .. I ran to safeway, getting stuck behind every slow person. I passed a case of chicken, showcasing "$5 chicken friday!!! Cold chicken tenders for $5" . Yea, because everyone wants to pay $5 freakin dollars for cold chicken! I plowed on, through my disgust, got my eggs and the sugar that I was also out of and ran through the check out. The cashier admired Blake and said "boy isn't it hard going out with them.. loading up the baby and all their gear"....Hah, you have no idea lady. I regaled her with the story about how I just CAME from the store. As I went back to my car, I loaded the groceries in, while Blake stayed in the cart on the sidewalk (I got a great parking spot thankyou Jesus!) (Because NOTHING irritates me more than giant SUVS parking in the compact spots ). So I went back to get Blake and nearly tripped over this ugly creepy little black bird. So then we had a standoff. Anybody who is anybody in my world knows that i abhor birds. Quite frankly, they gross me out. So I just kept walking toward it, and it would not move, it just kept hopping. So i ran past it, grabbed my baby, and got the heck outta there. Long story short (ok shorter!) I took my pie to church. Pies that is. Set them next to a BEAUTIFUL Lemon meringue. The tallest fluffiest you ever saw. I listened to all the old guys talk about how that was the best one, and their favorite. I pretty much gave up the ghost of winning, and then.....tada... 3rd place! Out of 18! I was so excited ... and guess what ? The lemon didn't even win. God knew that I really wanted to do well, but I just followed my own heart and will. When my path swerved, I gave up on succeeding. I listenned to the "world" (the old men who love the lemon meringue) and I lost confidence in what I had done. Ok I know this sounds INCREDIBLEY CHEESY! But can you see the parallel? So often we take our own paths to success in life . Or take paths to what we think will get us the gold. Instead we end up disappointed. If we seek out God first, it is there we find success. Moral of the story:
Ask God to show his plans to you
and for goodness sake check your darn grocery list before you leave the store!

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

All Quiet on the Western Front. (Hahaha Got ya!)

It is never ever quiet on this western front. What were you thinking?? The latest adventure in our wild lives is... We are moving. We are all beyond excited. Blake can't even sleep at night because of the sheer thought. Roxy has no idea what we have in store for her. We are moving into base housing away from the bizarre neighbors, the skateboard gang that lives in our complex, and best of all the birds that poop all over my car and live in my eaves. Really what are eaves anyways?

Moving on, we are moving into a three bedroom ranch house with a fenced in back yard and two full bathrooms. We also have a dishwasher.. and that is not even the best part... wait for it... here it comes... We have a laundry room! Wooooo! I am beyond excited. I am just dreaming in visions of Clorox and Tide. I will have stain removal pens in all colors, I will have shelves upon shelves of various fabric softeners, and the best part is I will not have a single quarter anywhere in my house. Why? you ask? Because, my machines are not coin operated!! Now, if only I can convince my husband that the fabric softener does not make his clothes "too soft". That is a direct quote.

Escaping the neighbors will be an added bonus. We really are surrounded by nice people..but things get strange. Like the day Steve woke me up to tell me that the neighbor wanted to borrow my car. Um.....? I have spoken to said neighbor MAYBE three times. Possibly a few more "hellos". "Yea", he continued, "I told her I would send you over". I thought he must be mistaken, but when I showed up on her doorstep...cautiously as her ferocious dog wagged his tail warily and looked ready to pounce... She exclaimed " I think your husband misunderstood" " I wanted to borrow your car, because my daughter is asleep and I need dog food." Hm. Really? Your daughter is 3, is she just going to stay here? I hesitated, my car is very new, but besides that, I love my pretty shiny red car and I had terribly visions of it being totaled. "I have a license, I can show you...." she continued. I told her that I was sorry that my insurance only covered my hubby and I. She seemed disappointed. Huh, I guess I would be too if a random person didn't want to GIVE me their car. We went out later, where she continued to tell me how much her three year old daughter "pissed her off" and how she got three bare-bottom spankings, and time out for hiding her mom's glasses under the couch. This of course was after she had to clean her room. This is the same little girl who climbs up on toys, opens her second story window and looks at me while I clean up dog poo. She never says much, throws occasional toys out at me, sticks her tounge out at me...etc. One day I heard a little voice "The doggie is going poo poo again". Thank you. I love nothing more than cleaning up poop with an interactive audience.
Then there is the couple with the purple mustang. They are very nice and all, but I was walking down the back stretch of yard the other day, chasing the pooping dog with a bag and shovel in hand. I was decked out in my best pj's with a topknot on my head, and I see a smiling face waving at me thru the glass. As fast as it appeared it disappeared. But not before I realized, and he realized that he was in nothing but a bathrobe and his whitey tighties!
Ahhhhh, new neighbors...how i cannot wait to meet you.

I am starting my own home based business

I am thinking that whoever started the catch phrase "home based business" really had a great idea. Someone sits in an airconditioned office overlooking the beach in Miami while a bunch of housewives across the midwest sell candles, cookwear and clothing to fund the lifestyles of some guru that needed to get away from corperate america. I have been stalked by home based business consultants, caught up in the glamour and convinced myself I NEEDED ten color coded tupperware vegetable bowls that collapse, freeze, and wash themselves. Now, there are many great consultants out there, and to them I am truly grateful, it is the "others " that make a bad name.
So based on some recent experiences I am going to create my own. Here is how it goes.
Lets say we are going to sell rocks.
Ok, now you know that you need to sell rocks. These are not pebbles, these are classy, beautiful home decor items. You could not find rocks like this on the beach. No. These rocks are imported from..hmmm.. lets say.. Lithuania. That sounds good.
So in order to sell these Lithuanian rocks, you need to buy a start up kit. That has all the essentials. There are five decorative rocks. A paperweight. (It has felt glued on the bottom--uh you SO can not find THIS on any beach)..not just any felt.. felt made from gentle fibers of organically fed alpacas. It also includes a ultra super duper rock polishing cloth, rock luster spray, and of course a sleek, sturdy carrying bag.
In order to get your starter kit, you only need to put $200 down. This is a steal, because it is a $500 value.
Amazing.
Wow, so now you need to have a party, but that is overdone, So lets call it something catchier. How about a retreat. A rock retreat, where you and your best gal pals can come and get Zen and Karma and unwind. After all, rocks have magic nature powers. (Aha, see , you are becoming intrigued!)
All you have to do is hold them, all shined up with their luster spray, and they will change your life. You can feel the tranquility pulsing through your veins.
If you have a party totaling sales of $1,000 or more, you earn 25% comission
A party totaling sales of $10,000, you make 50% commission. OF COURSE, the average party is $10,000.
The product sells itself. Really.
Any takers?


**Disclaimer, I know some great girls who run home based businesses. This is for the Jehovah Witness style sellers who drive me crazy. As a matter of fact I know a great candle consultant that gave me a tea light that just burned for FOUR HOURS!

****Disclaimer 2,
I have nothing against Jehovah's witnesses other than the fact that they are not going to heaven. I am however very nice to them, and do not endorse the wearing of the "Jehovah's Witness Protection" T shirt that my husband owns. I wish they would stop giving me abortion pamphlets though, I OBVIOUSLY didn't have one!